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Friday, April 2, 2010

A KNIGHT JOINS THE 1ST PAGE BLOGFEST


I am the last to go. Not a first for this knight without armor.

Kelly Lymon of Kelly's Compositions is hosting today's First Page Blogfest. Thank you, Kelly! Visit Kelly to join in or to link to the other entries. http://kellylyman.blogspot.com/.


Since I dragged in after having driven 255 miles on rare blood runs, I may be too late. Still, I've won, and I've lost, but I've never quit -- so here is my first page for FRENCH QUARTER NOCTURNE :


It rained lies and death today.


I stood knee-deep in water outside my French Quarter jazz club, Meilori’s. My soul seemed stretched tight across my chest. Everything I saw and heard in the shadows spoke to me ... in threats. The sudden, short explosion of an unseen gun. A quick, sharp scream in the distance. And the blue spurt of a lighted match at the far end of the street. My city bled slowly in the ripples of the flooded streets.


I leaned back against the door to my club as if for reassurance that something solid still remained to me. That it had survived Katrina was a mixed blessing. It was all that was left to me of my wife. Staying here was both penance and purgatory. Meilori’s was the kind of place in which almost anything was likely to happen and in which almost everything had. Inside, the fifty-one survivors of Katrina that I could house were huddled in shivering, too quiet clusters. Words have no meaning when a city dies. Nothing much does.


Somewhere distant in the hot, red darkness a shot rang out. Another called out to it like a wolf. But it came from a different direction. I smiled bitter. The predators had crawled out from their boarded shelters. They knew the restraint of law had died this day. Soon they would come for me.


You see, I had enemies in the night. And not all of them were human. But that was all right with me. I had lost my humanity a long time ago, along with so many other things that mocked me in this hollow night.




45 comments:

  1. Whoohoo! I am the first one to comment here today. *sigh...

    The first thing I noticed about your blog is that its completely . . . black. I like it. I love black.

    I love your writing. It's so intriguing. I love description and words (too bad purple prose isn't hip, aye???) ;) Your writing isn't purply, but I do love your poetic use of words.

    Great story! I'm so drawn into it, I want more...

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  2. PS--I loved "I smiled bitter." That is a very powerful sentence, you'd make Margie Lawson proud!

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  3. This is good, I was wondering if it's a little purple-prosey. But everyone's style's are different. Very dramatic anyway.

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  4. Your first line RAWKS!!! Intriguing story!!!

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  5. The opening "It rained lies and death today."
    is both dramatic and enigmatic! And then, "Words have no meaning when a city dies. Nothing much does."
    creates a further deep undercurrent.
    Finally, "You see, I had enemies in the night. And not all of them were human." I love! Perhaps (only a suggestion) this paragraph could stop at this point, begging for more narrative to follow!
    Intriguing!

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  6. I love your opening line. And I love the imagery and description you give us. Very vivid. :)

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  7. very nice. I'm wondering what the nonhuman enemies are?

    Loved the first line, especially.

    Loved the pic at the top of your blog, too.

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  8. I loved your first line! It really set up the mood. I'm curious to see what happens next. Great job!

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  9. I loved your writing style - poetic and epic
    This is my favourite bit:

    Meilori’s was the kind of place in which almost anything was likely to happen and in which almost everything had. Inside, the fifty-one survivors of Katrina that I could house were huddled in shivering, too quiet clusters. Words have no meaning when a city dies. Nothing much does.

    TWEAK:
    You have gun shots in the distance twice, the image would be stronger if it happened once.

    Good lcuk with your writing.

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  10. You aren't late at all! Great job. I love the descriptions. One of my favorite lines: My city bled slowly in the ripples of the flooded streets.
    I'm hook. Thanks for participating.

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  11. Love your first line - terrific! Great writing all around :)

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  12. You have so many wonderful lines in here. Most have been mentioned above so I won't repeat. I enjoyed it, but there were moments when it bordered on purply for me, but those amazing lines kept me hooked.

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  13. Like everyone here, I loved your first line. I love your description of the city bleeding via the rivers. The imagery in your writing is beautiful. Really, a very lovely chapter.

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  14. So when is your book coming out. Do it soon,... your future is a bright one. Brilliant!!!!

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  15. Wow!! What beautiful writing! And I love your first line, and your last line. . . and everything in between! You have me so interested, so yeah, when is your book coming out ;)

    Excellent work!

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  16. YAY! Another black blog!

    I loved this piece SO much. The first line is awesome, and the rest of it is so intriguing. I wish you luck with getting published. Your style is unique.

    If you ever get bored, I've got one page shorts on my sidebar at my blog under 'artistic rants'. Something tells me you'd like them. No pressure. Just a suggestion.

    And I'm B-

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  17. I've read through many of your recent posts, and the two words I can't shake are: serendipitous kismet.

    I had to share.

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  18. This is so good, it hooked me immediately. I began to feel empathy with him and then with the comment, Not all of them were human, I just have to know more! Great job!

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  19. I really like how this started out as a kind of Katrina survivor story, only to morph very clearly into paranormal. Well done!
    Thank you for your kind comments about mine and I'm glad I got to read yours!

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  20. BTW--I really admire how you're not afraid to be honest with your comments. That is a valuable crit partner. (Do you have a crit group?)
    Email me! :D

    elizabethmueller6 at gmail dot com

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  21. Very intriguing, Roland. It's a bit overly dramatic, kind of like a Film Noir piece from the 40's in a modern setting. But it seems to work quite well in this introduction to the story.

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  22. The voice of your mc is very real and one that would draw people into your story. So you have half the battle won.

    I think mixing a paranormal story with Katrina is a good idea. But the prose in the first paragraph felt a little too overdone for me. And the old world style of narration makes me think the story took place centuries ago. I'd have to keep reading to see how you balanced the narration style with a catastrophe that is still kinda current before I could say I was hooked. The narration has an Interview with a Vampire feel to it.

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  23. Roland - your descriptions are beautiful - I can really visualize the setting. I'm wondering from the get-go what the conflict will be -- the Katrina survivors? The non-person with the gun? The knee deep water? It almost borders on "too much info not enough action" leaving me wondering what the action will be like. I'd read on to find out! Good luck!

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  24. Wow! That is a very stirring beginning. I would love to read on and see where it goes!

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  25. Great start - definitely want to keep reading.

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  26. Roland, thanks for stopping by my blog. I just wanted to come back and tell you again how much I did like this--and I said "bordered" on the purply. It really doesn't cross the line because the reader can feel your passion for this place, this time. So, don't stress too much about it. ;)

    I guessed that you lived in New Orleans for a while. You can't write this passionately about some thing you didn't experience.

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  27. Oh, well done, good sir. First line is excellent, and I'd turn the page, for sure. I am intrigued. Plus, your prose is solid, and your eye for image seems very well tuned.

    I think I shall follow your blog now. Yes, I think I shall.

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  28. Great job Roland! I would like to read on. Love the line: You see, I had enemies in the night. And not all of them were human. Very intriguing.
    Nice work!

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  29. Sorry it took me so long to get over here and read this, but I'm glad I did. Like a couple others have mentioned, this bordered on the purply prose for my taste, almost literary, but the set up was intriguing. Great job!

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  30. Roland, appreciate you visiting my blog, and seeing all your thoughtful comments on everyone's writing. Good Karma to you.

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  31. Hrrmmm...gave up his humanity for what? Intriguing. :)

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  32. what a first page...

    I have so many questions!! I enjoyed this very much. The descriptions are wonderful and the last line has me searching the screen for more ;o)

    Visit My Kingdom Anytime

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  33. "It rained lies and death today."

    That first line certainly got my attention. Thanks for your comments on my blog. I love your way of writing, like painting with words. And your last paragraph certainly makes me want to know more about the protagonist.

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  34. No, Roland, I will not give you a black eye for commenting on writing inspiration. Truth is, that is how I write. I do a little, then a little, then finish out the scene, then finish out the chapter, then go back and read through it to edit, then send it out to my beta and a couple of friends who support me as I trudge on.

    Have a happy Easter or Ostara, whichever your preference.

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  35. Thank you for your generous feedback! It really meant a lot to me.

    I REALLY liked that last paragraph. I would ABSOLUTELY keep reading. I find your mc interesting, great job!

    Hosting Last Line Blogfest, details on my site

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  36. You have a lot of stunning description here. It's desolate and sad, perfect for this scene. Well done.

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  37. Purple prose doesn't bother me unless it's done for the sake of being purple and your prose doesn't fit that bill. Your setting is modern but your main character doesn't read as if he is - that fascinates me and would keep me reading more.

    Others have commented on what I thought were stunning lines so I won't repeat them. Overall, this first page is appealing and your voice is something I'd like to read more of.

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  38. Left you an award at:

    http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/2010/04/awards-on-easterostara-and-more-bad.html

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  39. This is an intense, intriguing scene. Great first page!

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  40. I don't like black, but I love the way your blog looks!

    You have a great classic writing style. Feels very literary. Very few people can pull that off. And I assume that you've also done tons of research. good job!

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  41. OMG! I want to read this. This was soooo good. Great job setting up the character, the scene, the plot. You did so much in such a small passage. Yay - you!!

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  42. Superb hook. That is high praise coming from me. I think most hooks are come-ons, bad advertising that can't be trusted. That's not true here. We know Katrina, we know it rained lies and death. Great foreshadowing and vivid description throughout. Beautifully done.

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  43. Interesting.
    So you want critique, huh? (glanced at your other posts)
    I would cut "today" from the first line. Adverbs are always your enemy.
    The "seemed" dilutes the strength of the sentence (another adverb) sudden, short...no.
    Just rip those adverbs out, and you'll be surprised how much more punchy it gets.
    You need to trust your reader and not feel like you have to define everything. (for me it falls on the purple side of the line)
    Other than that, definitely hooked me, made me want to see what otherworld shenanigans will happen in flooded NOLA.
    And feel free to stop by and critique my attempts at writing. :)

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  44. First off, your first sentence freaking rocked. Then, there was everything between that and the last sentence...that freaking rocked. And that last sentence, hooked me. I would so keep reading. Nice.

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