- Victor Standish.
Roland's zoned out asleep. So I thought I'd write this post for him.
When nutcases aren't trying to kill me, I surf the net and sometimes I read your blogs. And while I don't feel your pain, I do sense it in many of your posts.
You want to quit writing, don't you? No fibbing. I read not only between the lines of your blogs but under them, too.
I'll make it easier for you: I'll give you 11 reasons why you should STOP WRITING!
1.) The septic tank of self-publishing.
a.) Yeah, in the septic tank of self-publishing, the
biggest chunks rise to the top.
b.) Discoverability on the Internet sucks.
c.) Trying to find the secret of standing out is like
pulling teeth out of roosters: by the time
you find there aren't any -- you're all cut up!
2.) You believe editing compromises your authenticity.
a.) Because only the unhampered, unrefined,
half-drunk and totally transcended
creative word-barf you spray on the wall is true art.
b.) And as everyone knows: no one wants to read
3.) The bookpocalypse is upon us.
a.) Walk into any B & N or BOOKSaMILLION.
b.) All they sell anymore is coffee and board games,
except in the back where you will find three zillion
dog-eared copies of 50 SHADES OF GREY and
72 copies of the latest issue of MAXIM.
4.) You think grammar rules is for wussies.
Your sertain its only a matter of time til someone
seas you’re genius 4 real
and then its on and all them teachers can go suck a
broom for all you care cuz you gonna
be rich and famous and totally kick ass wit the book
5.) Your cat keeps burying your manuscript in her kitty
a.) This is just between us, now. Your book's not that
good, is it?
b.) Lots of spelling errors. Commas breeding like lice
in the scalp that is Roland's cooking.
c.) All the structure of an up-ended box of Scrabble letters.
d.) The last time an agent looked at your work,
she sent it back wrapped around a hand grenade.
6.) You’ve stopped reading books in the eighth grade,
because they tarnish your style.
a.) Like Grandma Moses or Alley Oop, you are an artist
in the primitive, unvarnished mold.
b.) Every word you read stains your original style with
the Philistine brush ... except for
THE NATIONAL INQUIRER which keeps you
in touch with reality.
7.) It’s really HARD.
a.) Writing? It’s hard.
b.) It’s like, you have to sit there? And you have to
make stuff up? For a living?
c.) And there’s all this… typing involved.
8.) You suffer from writer’s block 364 days a year.
a.) Your muse isn't a muse. She's a hermit.
b.) You suffer from imagination constipation, and
they don't sell prose laxative at Wal-Mart.
9.) Writing ain't writing no more.
a.) The title “writer” is the sorriest description of the
job I’ve ever heard.
b.) Total. False. Advertising.
c.) Man, writers have to like… edit, blog, market,
learn good business practices,
engage in public speaking, train on computer
repair, and actually be like ... pleasant
on social media.
d.) Total, major bummer.
10.) Ah, where did my toes go?
a.) Writing is a sedentary activity. You sit on your butt
b.) Jabba the Hut is sending you love letters.
c.) The only parts that move are your darting eyes as
they follow the cursor and your fingers
as they piston-pound out text.
d.) Your cat thinks you've become Darth Vadar the
way your over-worked lungs wheeze.
11.) Writing Really Cuts Into Your Internet Time.
a.) The Internet is like a… delightful hole you fall into,
a Wonderland of Facebook and
Pinterest and tweets and porn and
funny cat pictures.
b.) Porn? "Alice, I wrote no such word. Ah, that word
IS porn, isn't it? Ah, Alice, no getting
blood on Roland's laptop! Alice!"