So you can read my books

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


{"The funniest things

are the forbidden."

- Mark Twain.}

That Lilah gal canceled her Laughter Blogfest. But Lord Almighty, I am past tired of grieving for the past.

Time for some laughter. So, I, ghost of Samuel Clemens, do declare this day Laughter Blogfest day

in honor of that little lady who thought of it --

At least on this blog :

This is from Roland's account of Captain Samuel McCord aboard the cursed steamer, Demeter, bound for Paris in 1853.

McCord has the 6 year old girl, Missy, in the crook of his right arm, having saved her from two revenants : one a grandmother, the other her grandson.

Invisible due to his Apache magics, they are walking on deck to a Ball meant to kill not to entertain. Let McCord tell you the rest --

We were nearly there. The music was louder. The night was colder. And darker, too. But a dark that seemed alive.

Missy looked up, her blue eyes skeptical. “How come I can still see you, see me, if we’re both invisible?”

“Because we’re both wrapped in the threads of night.”

“Explain to me again about these threads.”

“I never explained them to you the first time.”

“Yeah, I sorta noticed. You know Mama read me that story about the emperor’s new clothes, Mister Sam. You wouldn’t be --”

“Hush! We’re about to come up on two women.”

“Two women? I don’t see them. How did --”

“I smelled their perfume on the breeze. Now, hush!”

She pouted, but she hushed. Just in time, too.

As I turned the corner of the promenade deck, I almost stepped on the heels of the same two older ladies who had reported my roughing up of Sir Robert to the Captain.

I smelled the whisky toddies on their respectable breaths.

“Oh, Agatha, do you think we are fashionably late enough?”

“Mildred, if we were any later, we might very well miss that charming Lord DayStar’s entrance. And we would not want that, would we? He is so witty.”

“And handsome.”

“Posh, I am too old to notice such things.”

“As am I,” tittered Mildred.

Missy looked like she wanted to puke. Me, too. I continued to listen.

Agatha sniffed, “Well, at least that horrid American cowboy will not be there. Why the way he took up with that foreign tramp was positively shameless.”

I fought back the urge to kick her in the backside.

Mildred bobbed her head, “It was disgraceful. But what else could you expect of an uncouth murderer and traitor?”

Missy squirmed in my arms, and I shook my head.

Agatha sighed, “Why ever do you think the states made him, of all people, a policeman?”

“America! Such an uncivilized place. What else would you expect of such uneducated riff-raff?”

Agatha turned to her friend. “Did I ever tell you what that horrible clod did to me the other night?”

Mildred, eager-eyed, hushed, “No.”

Her eyes became teasing. “Have you been hiding an onboard romance from me?”

“Dear heavens, no! But that awful savage and I chanced to be at the same dinner table two nights ago.”

“How were his manners?”

“Simply atrocious. Do you know that he had the utter lack of them to ask me for a breast from the chicken platter?”

“No?,” gasped Mildred horrified.

“Of course I informed him that anyone with even the semblance of good manners asked for white or dark meat.”

“Whatever did he do then?”

“Just drank his horrid orange juice and smiled.”

“That is all?”

“I only wish it were.”

“Oh, my. What did he do after that?”

“The next morning, the steward knocked at my door with a rose corsage and a note.”

“A corsage and note? Not from that McCord surely?”

“The very one.”

Mildred leaned forward like a withered bird of prey and whispered, “What did the note say?”

Agatha seemed to radiate heat as her face flushed, “I quote : Madam, I would be most pleased if you would pin this on your white meat.”


  1. OMG, I think I'm related to those two old ladies!!! You did a great job infusing humor with such a menacing post.

    As I read this, I was reminded of one of my favorite passages from my favorite fictional book, Lightning, by Dean Koontz. As the hero Stefan is chasing down a killer in the desert, he wonders at the trail of clothes he encounters, but is afraid if he laughs, very bad things will happen.

    Your post has that kind of feeling. I wanted to laugh out loud at the two ladies but I was afraid for Sam and Missy.

    Have you read Lightning? Isn't this the same ship that Sam met Meilori on before? There was a post before aboard a doomed ship....I'll have to look tomorrow....take care!

  2. Words Crafter : Yes, this is an excerpt from RITES OF PASSAGE. Lord DayStar is THAT DayStar. This is the novel of how Meilori and Sam fell in love and how DayStar became Sam's Moriarty.

    I've read LIGHTNING. I especially liked THE GOOD GUY, along with FEAR NOTHING and ODD THOMAS.

    Have a good rest of the week, Roland

  3. Roland, this was great! I love the note at the end. Thanks for a good morning laugh. :D

  4. Alison : The ghost of Mark Twain and I are happy we made your morning funnier.

  5. Too funny. I just wrote a post on laughter today hahaha

  6. Haha!!! Good laugh at lunch time. Thank you:D Loved the white meat corsage pin.

  7. Hahaha.

    This is fab! I love this line especially “Because we’re both wrapped in the threads of night.”.

    p.s YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I WATCHED LAST NIGHT. Ahem, actually you might. I watched that really cool zombie flick you told me about, PONTYPOOL. I loved it so much. SO so so much. I can't thank you enough for telling me about it.


  8. Hi Roland - When writing it's so important you pick the correct word. And you did great! Words like "atrocious",“Whatever did he do then?” . . .I could go on. Even their names allowed us to know their ages. Hear the "old lady talk". Excellent! And funny.

  9. Wonderful, as usual. I've missed reading your work.

  10. "Simply atrocious. Do you know that he had the utter lack of them to ask me for a breast from the chicken platter?”


    Awesome, Roland. And that last quote, well, I was laughing too hard to copy and paste.

  11. Ha! Oh, nicely done, good sir! Way to mine the humor from that encounter. Love some of the phrasing, too! "I smelled the whisky toddies on their respectable breaths." *snarf* :)

  12. ...I'm considering inviting Mark Twain's ghost over for beers and a chat! And if he becomes too inebriated to float homeward, I'll allow him my basement to haunt until sobriety returns.

    Roland, your work's divine. Well done:)

  13. Love: we're both wrapped in the threads of night. It hooked me. And nice Hemingway tidbit on my blog. I hadn't heard that before. I posted a comment in response there.

  14. Roland, Mr. Clemens:
    I would like to thank both of you for posting this today. I really enjoyed it. Specially the note.

  15. Absolutely hilarious. And way to end with a bang! I thoroughly enjoyed it.