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Friday, January 18, 2013

HOW NOT TO WRITE A NOVEL'S BEGINNING

I present to you:



Misha Garick:

In less than 300 words, I want to see your idea of the WORST beginning you can possibly write. The funnier and more creative you are, the better. To make it easier for me, you have the WHOLE of January to enter.

 http://sylmion.blogspot.com/2013/01/announcing-word-master-challenge.html

Here is my entry:

THE CLABBERED WINTER SKY

The clabbered winter clouds clotted the veins of sunlight strangled in the January sky.  Atop my valiant steed, Mildew, I watched Mama Nature dousing the candle of the sun.  The invisible nails of the North wind raked my cheeks.  I didn’t mind.  Us outlaws is made of tough stuff.

Mildew snorted uneasily.  This here was Apache territory.  I didn’t mind.  I’d gone and shaved my head to give them Injuns no scalp to take.

Up on this mountain peek, I stared up into the freshly minted night.  The silver coin of the full moon slowly made its way across the black velvet purse of the sky.  I watched it get ate by the jagged teeth of the pine trees along the horizon.

Speaking of which, it was high time I should get to eating, too.  So, I shot Mildew.  It occurred to me as I hit the ground with him on top of me that I should have swung off the saddle afore I shot him.  The Apaches creeping up on me didn’t seem to mind though.

19 comments:

  1. Freshly minted - that is bad. She'll get a kick out of your entry!

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  2. Thanks, Alex:
    Time has run out for me. Gotta jet to work now. Thanks for cluing me into her challenge. :-)

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  3. There might be an audience for this, you know. . .(weird westerns with an LCD angle)

    Good luck with your entry, Roland.



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  4. Great (pretty bad?)entry! I actually laughed out loud (hope you don't mind, haha). You'll do great :)

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  5. Hahaha Roland this is awesome! Had me laughing often.

    Thanks for entering! Will be by again to let you know if you won. :-)

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  6. Great opening. I can't wait to read the rest of the book.


    (lol)

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  7. This is the best worst beginning ever!! Love all the overstated analogies!! Thanks for the laugh. :)

    I might have to give this a shot.

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  8. VERY CLEVER, Roland,

    Thanks so much for the laugh! Thankfully we still see that fantastic description and sense of humor.

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  9. D.G.:
    I had fun with it. Mildew is a haunt horse. Kill and eat him at night, and he comes back the next morning none the worse for wear -- like mildew! Glad you liked my outlaw with no name.

    Lexie:
    I am very happy you laughed out loud. Mildew forgives you. :-)

    Misha:
    I didn't enter to win but simply to make my friends laugh. With your laughter, I got my prize!

    LD:
    If enough of my friends, I might write a full story of Mildew and the outlaw with no name.

    Michael Offutt:
    Nameless is proud to call you partner! :-)

    Tamara:
    You made my weary evening so much better with your nice words! I'm glad Mildew and Nameless had you laughing. I'd be interested in seeing what you do with the challenge!

    Michael:
    Thanks. I wanted to make my friends laugh to start a great weekend. Mildew whinnied his thanks too! :-)

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  10. That was funny :) I enjoyed it. I think I'll try one myself.

    ......dhole

    Oh, and I forgot to tell you the site loads up fine now - no malware errors. Thank your guru for me :)

    ......dhole

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  11. Donna:
    I really had fun writing it. I am looking forward to seeing what you do with the challenge. It's a bit contagious, isn't it?

    Nicholas has taken my naming him a cyber-Jedi Knight a little too seriously -- calling me Darth Roland for afflicting my computer so! :-)

    I'm happy you have no alarms when visiting now!!

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  12. The final paragraph is gold. =)

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  13. Alice:
    Nameless and Mildew thank you! The Apaches are those sullen, silent types! :-)

    The ghoul friend of my hero, Victor Standish, is named Alice, too. Alice Wentworth.

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  14. Mama Nature indeed. And a lesson learned about shooting the horse your riding. I loved it.

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  15. Hilarious! This is awful in a unique kind of way. I went for something overly cliche.

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  16. I loved the overwroughtness of the similes and the fact he's possibly the stupidest outlaw ever! Very funny.

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  17. Rusty:
    Mama Nature wasn't kind to poor Nameless when it came to handing out intelligence!

    Laura:
    Old Nameless is certainly unique in an awful way all right. This blogfest was fun, wasn't it?

    Nick:
    Poor Nameless! He thinks he's a poet! Thanks for the kind words. :-)

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  18. LOL. Besides the ridiculous imagery, over use of verbs, and bad grammar, I think you've got this one in the bag. *pinching nose*

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