HOW NOT TO WRITE A NOVEL'S BEGINNING

I present to you:

Misha Garick:

In less than 300 words, I want to see your idea of the WORST beginning you can possibly write. The funnier and more creative you are, the better. To make it easier for me, you have the WHOLE of January to enter.

 http://sylmion.blogspot.com/2013/01/announcing-word-master-challenge.html

Here is my entry:

THE CLABBERED WINTER SKY

The clabbered winter clouds clotted the veins of sunlight strangled in the January sky.  Atop my valiant steed, Mildew, I watched Mama Nature dousing the candle of the sun.  The invisible nails of the North wind raked my cheeks.  I didn’t mind.  Us outlaws is made of tough stuff.

Mildew snorted uneasily.  This here was Apache territory.  I didn’t mind.  I’d gone and shaved my head to give them Injuns no scalp to take.

Up on this mountain peek, I stared up into the freshly minted night.  The silver coin of the full moon slowly made its way across the black velvet purse of the sky.  I watched it get ate by the jagged teeth of the pine trees along the horizon.

Speaking of which, it was high time I should get to eating, too.  So, I shot Mildew.  It occurred to me as I hit the ground with him on top of me that I should have swung off the saddle afore I shot him.  The Apaches creeping up on me didn’t seem to mind though.