HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

How did this happen?

Not our space shuttle fleet going into mothballs --

even though experts say they all have ten more safe years to them. After all, as Billy Bob Thornton said in that famous asteroid movie, "It's a big a__ sky." That and there is a lot of space junk floating up there. We may need those shuttles in the next ten years.

No. How do movies like LEGION go wrong? Nick, my co-worker and Mr. EveryMan movie audience, scratched his head and asked that question of LEGION.

"I mean, Roland, it had great actors, access to the best special effects around, and you know it cost millions upon millions to make. And with all that, they made crap? How does stuff like this happen?"

Bad writing.

Lucy Lawless, siren of XENA and SPARTACUS, is reported to have said, "If it ain't on the page, it dies on the stage."

Amen, Xena.

So who's to blame? The Four Quadrants. And no, that is not the Cajun branch of the Illuminati. It's how Hollywood grades movies.

The four quadrants :
Males : Above & Below the age of 25
Females : Above & Below the age of 25

The best quadrant? Males below the age of 25. They will go alone to movies they like. They are more apt to take friends to said movie, making an event of it.

The next best? Females below the age of 25. They won't go alone. But often drag their boyfriends after going to two of their action movies in a row.

So the best film to make obviously is a chick flick with guns.

Don't laugh. That's why we have KILLERS with Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher along with the movie, KNIGHT & DAY, with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.

Hollywood is a business. And on date night, you've got to go see something. The Four Quadrants will make studios money. Story is secondary.

But not to us writers. And the shame of it is that a good story costs just as much as a bad one. And the repeat viewings of a great film makes more money in the long run.

Case in point :

Take the new STAR TREK. The beginning made me root for and like Kirk's father. He cared about his crew, loved his wife, and died so that she and his son could live. I wanted to watch a movie about him. What happens?

We get a scene of kid-Kirk being a jerk and nearly getting killed. We get another of punk-Kirk getting rightly trashed by cadets in a bar. I didn't like Kirk. And that's how you tell a bad story, making the hero one you don't like.

They wanted Kirk with authority issues and attitude from being fatherless. Fine. Kid-Kirk sees his younger half-brother being roughed up by his step-father for touching his antique car.

Kirk steps in for the boy, gets slapped, makes a smart remark {"What? You working your way up to old ladies and cripples?"} Step-Dad leaves. Kid-Kirk cocks an eyebrow at his brother and goes, "You want to go for a spin?" Now, you have the attitude, neurosis, plus a kid who you care about and like. And the neat car chase.

Punk-Kirk in bar. Hits on Uhura. She fluffs him off. "Your loss, babe," he shrugs.

Up struts an oaf of a cadet who paws Uhura. She protests. Oaf grabs her arm. Uhura winces in pain, just about to hand the guy his head on her own. But Kirk steps in and says, "The lady said no, bruno."

Fights ensues. Kirk gets lecture that turns his life around. But now you care about Kirk and like him. You want him to win, not just because you know his legend, but because of who he is at the moment, flaws and all. That's good story-telling -- making the audience care and root for your hero right at the start.

Hollywood has confused "cool" with character.

You care about Neo from the start of THE MATRIX. Any daydreaming shift worker identifies with Arnold right from the start of TOTAL RECALL. Inside most Sci-Fi men you will find a Walter Mitty or a Chuck from the TV series of the same name.

Hollywood loves its pre-sold franchises. Sometimes they work. Most times they don't. I shudder to think what the movie A-TEAM will be on the screen. But the studio executives know that people reading their computer headlines will know the answer to that most important question : "What is it about?"

Franchises gives the reader of the movie ad a clear mental image of what the movie promises. If the story is lousy or the film veers too far off the historical image. Low traffic. Sink hole where ticket sales should be.

Domestic ticket sales used to account for 60% of a movie's overall profits. Now, it's down to 40%. Worldwide ticket sales are now the make or break aspect of a movie.

The movie must be readily understood universally. Franchises are ideal for that. Also killer titles : Legally Blonde, Crazies, 4 Christmases, and FRENCH QUARTER NOCTURNE {the title for my book -- hey, I can dream, can't I?}

Hollywood is not about art or about quality. It is about profits. showBUSINESS it is called for a reason. If on top of the 4 quadrants, your movie script is medium-budget, filmed entirely in one location -- and you are the screen writer, you may have to run out of the exec's office to keep him from giving you a wet kiss.

Well, that's it for my thoughts on Hollywood's deficiencies. How about yours? What recent movie had you asking, "What were they thinking of? -- How did this happen? -- They spent millions of dollars on this?" Please tell me. I'm interested.
Again, I am musing in preparation for my two talks at the CON DU LAC Sci-Fi convention here in Lake Charles in June. Come check out its website, will you? http://www.condulac.net/.

And there was one excellent fantasy movie that connected to viewers because it paid attention to the details of life : its losses, its loves, and its enduring hope that the next dawn would be brighter if only you would not give up.


And readers, never give up. Never. Your dream may be waiting for you just around the corner if you will only take those next few steps. Keep walking. Keep trying. I'll be rooting for you that your dream clasps your hand in the darkness, pulling you into the light, Roland