THERE'S A LOT TO BE SAID IN HER FAVOR, BUT THE OTHER IS MORE INTERESTING

So said Mark Twain.
He could have been talking about agents. I did my share yesterday. And I received a good many emails.
Every one expressed dismay that dealing with agents meant selling yourself. Many thought that meant selling yourself out. And every one expressed thinking that perhaps writing was not for them.

Whoa! They are all excellent writers. I don't want that. Every good fantasy out there whets the appetite for more of the same. Besides they are all good friends.

I wrote them back, and I'm posting a generic version of that email here :

As writers we wear many hats during the course of the journey. As much as it irks me, in query letters I must go from artist to ambassador. Ambassador of the world I have created. I want to do it justice to the "court" of the agent I am approaching.

To do that, I must speak the language of the court I address. The language of agents is "self-interest." Many of them believe in the "win/win" concept. They help you as you help them.

Sadly, many people are only as good as their options. The agents hold the power. And it is true that some people are not good at handling power. It goes to their heads. They vent their natural bent towards cruelty and pettiness to those who cannot defend themselves or retaliate in any meaningful way.

Thankfully that number is few. But you're right, those few do vicious damage to our hearts and spirits. And due to Google Search, those burned by them hesitate to speak their names on the internet.

Most agents are just overworked. Not mean or petty. Just impatient, reading with half-listening eyes. How many times have you been looking for an item while fatigued and have your eyes pass right over it several times before spotting it?

Agents are like that. Sadly, they glance over our query letter only once. If they miss that what we have is what they really want, they do not re-read and pick up on that. They just miss it.

The galling thing about rejections is that usually you are given no reason. Wrong genre? Wrong voice? Too sluggish? Too fast-paced?

Beta readers are just outsiders like you, looking in through the window at the world of the published authors. And published authors will tell you : it is a matter of chance that determines if your quality is recognized.

The quality has to be there, of course. But it is a crap shoot if your excellent writing slips through the window of opportunity to get its chance to dance in the spotlight of an approving agent's and accepting publisher's attention.

That realization, instead of weighing us down, should free us. The world will turn as it will turn. The tides come in on their own schedule. It is only up to us to walk as best we can, handling the reins of our lives with wisdom and courage.

Realize we are ambassadors to a self-interested system, learn its language, and present ourselves and our world with wit, humor, and the calm confidence that The Father has our back. And our friends, of course. As I am friends with all those who visit my blog and exchange comments with me.

And the literary world is what it is. We writers need agents, though I have read some experts say not. They are mistaken. Here's why :

A) NEVER TRY TO CHANGE A TIRE ON A MOVING CAR :
In other words, in this busy publishing world, editors no longer have time to read unsolicited queries. Bottom line : you won't get read; you will get a form rejection.

B) NEVER POUR SUGAR IN YOUR OWN GAS TANK :
You submit to a publisher. He whips back a form rejection. A miracle happens, and you get an agent. Professional courtesy says that agent can't submit your novel to even another editor from that same publishing house. Your agent tells you that you're #1 with the wrong finger. You just made his job that much harder.

C) NEVER WIN YOURSELF THE BOOBY PRIZE :
Another miracle happens. A publisher buys your book -- and a worse deal you would be hard-pressed to find. An agent would have gotten you a higher advance and royalties. Even if you sense you are getting a raw deal, the editor knows you have nowhere else to go.

D) NEVER PAINT YOUR CRYSTAL BALL BLACK :
If one publisher liked your novice unsolicited manuscript enough to buy, others would have, too. You will never know how much you could have gotten. Unlike an agent, you didn't have the contacts to arrange a bidding war for your novel. And the editor probably didn't even give you a jar of vaseline.

E) NEVER MAKE A DEAL WITH THE GODFATHER WITHOUT MUSCLE :
Stick your head out the window. See those vultures? They're drawn to that dead thing you call your "miracle contract." More than advance and royalties, there are other crucial items to consider like :
1) Translation rights.
2) Audio rights
3) Movie and TV rights.
4) Book Club rights.
5) Timing of your advance payment.
6) Bonus clauses.
7) Option on your next book.
8) Hear the hooting and laughter in the hallways. That's the sound of the editors laughing at your expense.

F) NEVER IGNORE THE DANGER OF THE PAVLOV EFFECT :
Without an agent, you will have to negotiate for a higher advance, those nit-picky contract issues you never saw coming, requesting a catalog copy, screaming about the stick figure drawings they have for your jacket art.

Guess what? The Pavlov effect kicks in very quickly. The editor hears your name and scowls, a sour feeling pervading his whole chest.

G) YOU EXPECTED MAYBE A NICE NAZI?
That's where your agent comes in. Editors expect agents to be combative. It's in their job description. They are your ambassadors. They allow your relationship with the editor to be purely on creative and editing matters. A healthy environment ensues.

H) NEVER GIVE YOURSELF THE BENDS :
It is what it is in publishing : a madhouse. Each editor usually has 2o to 30 authors in the pipeline. Yeah, that's a lot of pipe! You don't have an agent? Great.

Great for the overworked editor. He knows which novel to place at the bottom of the priority stack. See your novel buckling? It's got the bends.

I) EVERY ORPHAN ANNIE NEEDS A DADDY WARBUCKS.
See your stressed-out editor? No? That's because he just quit. What? Oh, don't look for any of the other editors to adopt you. No, they're busy gobbling up your editor's former resources like publicity money, marketing assets, and the dozen other publishing department time slots that are temporarily freed up.

You don't have an agent? Then, expect your book to be canceled faster than Tiger Wood's marriage license. Or placed so far down the pipeline, it would have been better for it to have been canceled so that you take it to another publisher.

J) NO ONE SHOOTS JOHN WAYNE'S HORSE :
You, however, don't have an agent. You can be shot. And if your first novel doesn't perform well, (and very few first novels do,) you will be shot ... out of the publishing house so fast there will be a sonic boom in Siberia.

All those experts that write that you don't need an agent hopefully mean well. But they are mistaken. And there are some great people out there I would be happy to have as friends, much less agents. Think Kristen Nelson http://pubrants.blogspot.com/ or Nathan Bransford http://nathanbransford.com/

Not that either of them accepted any of the four queries I sent them for FRENCH QUARTER NOCTURNE, RITES OF PASSAGE, THE BEAR WITH 2 SHADOWS, or THE MOON AND SUN AS MY BRIDES. No. But they did write me a personal rejection. Sadly, no direct mention of what was wrong or how to correct it. But read their blogs, and you will discover that they are nice people.

And for a little flirty fun tune to keep the wind at your back :