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Friday, July 19, 2013

Victor Standish's 11 REASONS YOU SHOULD STOP WRITING

 
 
"A blank piece of paper is God’s way of telling us how hard it to be God."
   - Victor Standish.

Roland's zoned out asleep.  So I thought I'd write this post for him.

When nutcases aren't trying to kill me, I surf the net and sometimes I read your blogs.  And while I don't feel your pain, I do sense it in many of your posts.

You want to quit writing, don't you?  No fibbing.  I read not only between the lines of your blogs but under them, too.

I'll make it easier for you: I'll give you 11 reasons why you should STOP WRITING!

1.) The septic tank of self-publishing.

        a.) Yeah, in the septic tank of self-publishing, the
              biggest chunks rise to the top.
 
        b.) Discoverability on the Internet sucks.
 
        c.) Trying to find the secret of standing out is like
              pulling teeth out of roosters: by the time
              you find there aren't any -- you're all cut up!

2.) You believe editing compromises your authenticity.
 
         a.) Because only the unhampered, unrefined,
              half-drunk and totally transcended
              creative word-barf you spray on the wall is true art.
 
          b.) And as everyone knows: no one wants to read
               art anymore!

3.) The bookpocalypse is upon us.

        a.) Walk into any B & N or BOOKSaMILLION. 
 
        b.) All they sell anymore is coffee and board games,
              except in the back where you will find three zillion
              dog-eared copies of  50 SHADES OF  GREY and
              72 copies of the latest issue of MAXIM.

4.) You think grammar rules is for wussies.

        Your sertain its only a matter of time til someone
        seas you’re genius 4 real

        and then its on and all them teachers can go suck a
        broom for all you care cuz you gonna
 
        be rich and famous and totally kick ass wit the book
        you writed.

5.)  Your cat keeps burying your manuscript in her kitty
       litter box.

        a.) This is just between us, now. Your book's not that
              good, is it?
 
        b.) Lots of spelling errors. Commas breeding like lice
              in the scalp that is Roland's cooking.
 
        c.) All the structure of an up-ended box of Scrabble letters.
 
        d.) The last time an agent looked at your work, 
             she sent it back wrapped around a hand grenade.

6.) You’ve stopped reading books in the eighth grade,
      because they tarnish your style.

        a.) Like Grandma Moses or Alley Oop, you are an artist
              in the primitive, unvarnished mold.
 
        b.) Every word you read stains your original style with
              the Philistine brush ... except for
             THE NATIONAL INQUIRER which keeps you
              in touch with reality.

7.) It’s really HARD.

        a.) Writing? It’s hard.
 
        b.) It’s like, you have to sit there? And you have to
              make stuff up? For a living?
 
        c.) And there’s all this… typing involved.

8.)  You suffer from writer’s block 364 days a year.

        a.) Your muse isn't a muse.  She's a hermit.
 
        b.) You suffer from imagination constipation, and
              they don't sell prose laxative at Wal-Mart.

9.) Writing ain't writing no more.

        a.) The title “writer” is the sorriest description of the
              job I’ve ever heard.
 
        b.) Total. False. Advertising.
 
        c.) Man, writers have to like… edit, blog, market,
             learn good business practices,
             engage in public speaking, train on computer
             repair, and actually be like ... pleasant
             on social media.
 
        d.) Total, major bummer.

10.) Ah, where did my toes go?

        a.) Writing is a sedentary activity. You sit on your butt
              all day.
 
        b.) Jabba the Hut is sending you love letters.
 
        c.) The only parts that move are your darting eyes as
             they follow the cursor and your fingers
             as they piston-pound out text.
 
        d.) Your cat thinks you've become Darth Vadar the
              way your over-worked lungs wheeze.

11.) Writing Really Cuts Into Your Internet Time.

        a.) The Internet is like a… delightful hole you fall into,
              a Wonderland of Facebook and
              Pinterest and tweets and porn and
              funny cat pictures.
 
        b.) Porn?  "Alice, I wrote no such word.  Ah, that word
             IS porn, isn't it?  Ah, Alice, no getting
             blood on Roland's laptop!  Alice!"

 
 
    

6 comments:

  1. For shame, Victor! I think you like to rattle Alice for the extra attention. But yeah, blood on the laptop keys only looks good if you're writing a suspense/horror book.

    I'm not ready to throw in the towel or the bucket or whatever. I've got other plans.

    Thanks for the post, Victor!

    ReplyDelete
  2. D.G.:
    Glad I made you laugh. Alice is still sore though!! D.G. and Victor will never throw in the towel, right? Of course if Alice nips one of my fingers, I might need that towel to stop the blood!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes!! I believe you like to rattle Alice for the extra vigilance. But yes, blood on the laptop keys only looks good if you are writing some thing related to thrill or horror.

    Regards,
    Content Writing Services

    ReplyDelete
  4. Prasant:
    Aw, you found me out. I like the way her eyes narrow and nostrils flare in that cute little way. Of courss, I always manage to have an easy back door ready! Yes, blood on Roland's laptop would have him taking my key to his apartment away!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well, hello, Victor! It's nice to know that you get moments away from all the creatures that want you dead! Wonderful and funny post :) #4 reads like it was written by the kids in my classroom, hahahaha.

    Writing IS hard. That's why you have to love it. Stay out of trouble and don't get dead. Give Alice a hug for me and don't let Roland oversleep.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi, wORDS CRAFTER!
    Roland is doing solo duty at his blood center right now so it's NO sleep for him as he's also on first call all weekend!

    Yeah, ducking away here in Roland's apartment keeps me "under the radar" of most of my enemies!

    I let Alice write #4. Hey, Alice, I was only kidding. Man, the prettier girls are the less they can take a joke!

    Staying out of trouble for me is about as hard as good writing is!

    Alice says I use too many exclamation points. Go figure! :-)

    You have a great weekend!! Victor

    ReplyDelete