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Monday, September 19, 2011

MARK TWAIN'S LIFE LESSONS FROM HORROR MOVIES

{"You do not how right you have things

until you handle them all wrong."

- Mark Twain.}

Just a heartbeat ago, I eased into Roland's apartment to swap tall tales when I came upon him dozing and feverish in front of his electronic newspaper,

blog he calls it. Sounds like one of those tar pits in California those poor dinosaurs critters got stuck in.

I leaned over his shoulder and read what he wrote.

Why, what was wrong with the boy? His post depressed the beejesus out of me, and I'm dead.

What he needed was a little help from his good friend, the beloved, yet humble, genius of literature ... me

What was needed here was ... I stroked my chin. Of course, what was needed here was ... me.

I would save Roland from his depressing folly.

I started to ruminate on all of life's follies when it came to me how much help those terrible horror movies Roland watches truly are.

Why there are some golden lessons to be found in those flickering frames,

especially for you folks not blessed to be ghosts like myself :

1) When it appears that you have killed the monster, ALWAYS get the loud-mouthed neighbor to check to see if it's really dead.

The bliss of silence in the neighborhood will be your reward.

2) Even if it seems to be the funniest thing in all creation, never read a book of demon summoning aloud. Your mother-in-law is demon enough, thank you.

3) When the power goes out, gals in flimsy undies will ALWAYS take a fancy to search the basement -- and they NEVER change their flashlight batteries.

4) If your young 'uns suddenly start to speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately.

It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. For such eventualities,

ALWAYS buy automatic handguns, since it will probably take several rounds to kill them.

A loving parent is a sure-kill parent.

This also applies to any tiny waifs who suddenly start to speak as if they have been gargling with lye.

They are either possessed or have been raiding Father's liquor cabinet.

Either way they deserve what they get.

5) As a general rule of thumb, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6) If appliances start operating by themselves, send your spouse to check for short-circuits, then get the hell out of the house.

Ignore the subsequent screaming -- or enjoy it, depending upon just how "sweet" your bitter half has been to you lately.

7) If you are offered a "steal of a deal" on a house that has been

a) built on the site of an Injun massacre,

b) the home of a family whose members had taken to dismembering one another, or

c) been an asylum whose inmates took to munching on the help --

take the real estate agent lovingly, kindly and gently by the arm --

and shove her into the basement, locking it behind you. Unnatural beasties get hungry. And better they make human jerky out of her than you.

Don't mind about the body. It won't be there when the police arrive. The police won't be around long either -- if they stay.
***


16 comments:

  1. When the crickets stop chirping, look behind you (or run).

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  2. Hey now,I was reading this in the dark and it freaked me out. A bunch of movies came to mind, and regardless of how good or bad they were, they're still scary in the dark. I hope you're not really depressed. :)

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  3. LOL - just have to say I love that cat picture!

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  4. Ha! Great list, Roland. Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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  5. Mark, you are a very wise man! Take care of Roland for us.

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  6. It's so nice of you to stop by and help out Roland while he's under the weather. ;) And that list, a must follow for sure!

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  7. Samuel, you are a rascal and a coot, and I can't help but love ya! Is our Roland under the weather again? Give him my love and a hot toddy and make him climb in to bed and rest. The man works waaaaaay too hard!

    ~ Miss you R! that rebel, Olivia

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  8. As always Roland you have the spirit world looking out for you.

    I am glad for that and I HOPE you feel better soon. You've been sick a lot this year my friend and I worry about you.

    Take care. I wish I could drop in on you and bring you some hot chicken soup. I know you don't eat when you're sick. So Samuel make sure he eats something.

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  9. Hi there, Hope you are well :-) If I've already introduced myself I apologise. I can't keep up with who I've said Hi to and who I haven't. I am in your Fantasy Group. I'm just trying to catch up with everybody slowly but surely :-).
    Fab blog.
    Eve x

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  10. Reminds me of a quote from "Cheers":

    Norm: Man, I love scary movies, especially that one... what's it called... the farmer goes in the barn, and doesn't come back, then the wife goes in the barn and disppears, then the sheriff ... what's that one called?

    Carla: Don't Go in the Barn

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  11. i laughed thru your post!!! this was real interesting read!!! too good!!! even i have felt a few points mentioned by you!!

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  12. Wow, you skipped a day. You must really be sick. I hope you feel better soon. :o Get some sleep.

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  13. ...this post is in need of a bookmark! Loved it, Roland ;)

    El

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  14. The pix of the cat hooked me, but the post was AWESOME!!! Loved it. :)

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  15. Scary Mary has had me giggling to myself all day, no doubt a sign of Poppins Possession.

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  16. MY MODEM DIED, AND I ALMOST DID.
    I'M STILL COUGHING BUT BACK AT WORK. NOT MUCH TIME TO USE THE BUSINESS COMPUTER, BUT I WILL TRY TO ANSWER MY COMMENTS.

    MAYBE I'LL EVEN FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TO COME BACK TO WORK TOMORROW!

    wALTER :
    I think you're thinking about Apaches there. LOL.

    Laila :
    Yes, I scared myself alone on the night streets of New Orleans after Katrina by listing mentally all the horror movies I had seen with lone walkers in the dark!

    Yes, I've been quite ill. Thanks for thinking about me.

    L. Diane :
    Isn't that cat picture great?

    Alison :
    My dead moden has stopped me visiting all my friends. Merde!

    Sarah :
    Congrats on winning over at Rachel's blog. Sam went to bat for me this upcoming Saturday, too.

    Heather :
    Your praise made Samuel's day and mine, too.

    Olivia :
    I certainly need a vacation or to sell the movie rights to one of my novels! LOL.

    Michael :
    Thanks for the good thoughts. I have been quite ill. Since that basement bout with double pneumonia, my lungs have always been my weak point. Victor says to add my head to the weak list!

    Eve. E :
    Hello, fellow fantasy writer. Come back. I'll try to find some way to respond.

    Chris :
    LOL. You made me laugh out loud with that snippet from CHEERS.

    fLYING high in the sky :
    I'm always glad to see you here in my cyber-front room. Come back. And I'm happy I made you smile and maybe shiver a little bit, too. :-)

    Laila :
    Yes, I am still ill and my modem is dead (from the terrible heat in my apartment still.) Thanks for caring.

    Thanks, Elliot :
    I will respond to your email very soon -- as soon as my chest and head return to normal. Or as normal as they get. LOL.

    Mina :
    I like that cat picture as well. I'm really happy that my post made you smile. Samuel Clemens deserves all the credit. (He made me write that!)

    Kate :
    Wasn't SCARY MARY a hoot? Good of you to drop by and even better that you stayed to chat! Roland

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