So you can read my books

Sunday, June 5, 2011


{Yesterday, I collapsed with heat exhaustion as my apartment air conditioner stopped. The temperatures soared to 110 degrees as I cleared the way for the handyman to try and repair it.

The repairs fizzled, and I collapsed. I still had to go to work though to pay for the rent. LOL. My life is a Mel Brooks film. I am now sleeping on the floor of a vacant apartment ... but with air conditioning ... and aching back!!

Of course I am still at work. The ghost of Mark Twain just smacked me on the shoulder, winking, "Have to pay the rent for that magnificent apartment, don't ya know?"}

Here is a Victor Standish story just for Lenny. I hope it makes you smile, my faraway friend!

When you're seven, you're too old for a swing. But I wasn't sitting in it for fun. No. I was bummed out ... in a real blue funk.

Why? Long story. And everybody's got problems. Why should I burden you with mine?

"I don't like you," sniveled the little girl in the swing next to me.

"Take a number. It's a long line."

The black-haired girl pointed her finger past me. "I don't like them neither."

"Must be my kind of people," I grunted, turning to look.

"Or not," I gulped.

Zombies. Fricking kid-zombies. "Oh, hell."

"Oooh, you just said a no-no."

"On my best day, I'm PG-13. And Sunshine, this ain't my best day."

"My name is Becky not Sunshine!"

I got up, looking all around. We were surrounded.

"It's gonna be 'Kibbles-N-Brains' if you don't put some muscle to the hustle."

What did Ulysses always say? When surrounded by enemies, get a sword, a shield, and the high ground.

Becky pulled out a wooden slingshot. "I'll stop them."

"Lots of luck with that, Nibbles."

I ran to a fallen baseball bat. Two zombies were making sure that the boy who dropped it wouldn't miss it. I darted in between them. I tumbled in a roll, snatching up the bat. One lunged at me.

I beaned him with all my might, and his rotten head burst. I laughed, "I hope your name was Homer. Cuz I always wanted to hit a homer."

To my far left, Becky screamed, "Fall down! WHY WON'T YOU FALL DOWN?"

I ran over to her, grabbed her by her pony-tail and snapped, "Cuz the fun never stops with zombies!"

"Stop!," cried Becky. "You're messing up my pigtail."

I spotted the slide/jungle-gym. High ground.

I snapped, "Those zombies will mess up more than your ...."

A kid-zombie with a half-eaten face lurched through the garbage cans lining the playground, knocking them over. A garbage can lid rolled to my feet. My shield!

I snatched it up and smacked him in the face with it. "Watch out! Low bridge."

I thumped Becky on the butt to get her moving faster to the slide/jungle-gym.

"Hey, that's my butt!," she yelled.

I jerked my head to the shambling but all-too-fast kid zombies. "It'll be theirs if you don't get a move on!"

We made it to the slide as a black kid took a mop handle and used it as a pole vault to get to the top of the metal tree-house at the top of the slide.

"Whoa," I gasped. "Way to go, LeRoy."

He laughed down at me. "Ya gotta learn free runnin' if you gonna make it on these streets, bro."

I suddenly realized I was out of my blue funk. I had just learned Lesson to Life #1 : When you didn't know what to do, do what you know. I knew how to swing a bat. I knew how to tease pretty girls.

And bopping these zombies sure was a lot more fun than a blue funk. Teasing Becky was nearly as much fun.

I smacked Becky up the slide. The ladder was too slow as a couple of screaming kids found out the hard way. We ducked aside a girl with glasses. I shield-blocked the brick she aimed at me.

"Save it for the dead heads," I snapped, scooting by her.

The slide/jungle-gym was a big son of a gun. I skipped down the steps from the tree house to the walkway where six kid-zombies scrambled towards us, moaning, "Brains. Brains. Brains."

I winked at Becky, who was taking aim at them with her ball-bearing loaded slingshot. "They can't mean you. It's gotta be me they're after."

Becky let go with her slingshot, sending a ball bearing into the only eye of a grasping girl zombie. "Ha. Ha. Very not funny."

LeRoy pushed a boy zombie off the top of the treehouse with his mop handle. "Damn! They just too many of 'em!"

LeRoy had it all backwards. The more zombie heads there were to bop, the better I would I feel.

"Wrong!," I yelled. "There aren't enough of them!"

I leapt onto the walkway, swinging with my bat and shield, knocking the grabbing kid-zombies every whichway.

Zombies scuttled like cockroaches along the top of the rungs of the jungle-gym. They dropped down on the walkway. I swung at them.

Brains, bits of skull, and rotted flesh flew as I jumped about, smacking away, not so much at them, but at my blue funk.

And if they ate Becky, who would I tease?

"Base hit. Line drive! HOME RUN!"

Glasses sobbed, "I-I'm outta bricks. They're going to eat us."

They kept coming. I kept blocking and smashing. Becky went for more ball bearings but came up empty. A giggling girl-zombie knocked LeRoy down. He screamed.

Fun was fun and all. But this was ridiculous. I raised my shield and bat to the uncaring skies and roared, "WOULD YOU JUST LEAVE!"


I could've sworn a pale green circle pulsed out from around me. The kid-zombies stiffened then just trudged away.

Becky gasped, "H-How did you do that?"

I shrugged, "Goes to show it never hurts to ask."

{I was wrong by the way. Well, not about how asking sometimes works. But why those zombies left. I didn't learn the truth til I got to be the ripe old age of 13.

But that's another story.}

Before I could get too cocky, Becky taught me Life Lesson #2 : There's no pleasing pretty girls!

Becky kicked me in the shin, and as I hopped about in pain, I yelled, "What was that for?"

Becky sniffed, "For not asking sooner!"
{This will probably be my last post for awhile. My apartment's an oven and will be for some time. The vacant apartment is not set up for the internet.

I will be off for the next two days, so no office internet. Besides, I am still not feeling well. And I am still doing solo duty as first call. LOL.}
Some more laughter for you, Lenny :


  1. Kid Zombies, awesome!

    Feel better soon Roland, and may all your apartment problems be fixed :)

    Take care of you.

  2. Thanks, Sarah :
    Yeah, kid zombies. Yuck! They move faster, too. But not as fast as Victor.
    I'm leaving work as I write. So adios to the internet for awhile. And I will try to feel better. You take care of you, too. Roland

  3. Roland, fantastic post for Lenny! I'm sure he'll love it! Kid zombies are the best! ;)


  4. Zombies rock--nicely done, Roland! :)

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

  5. Back at the center for a late night blood run --

    Hilary :
    I hope you're right and that Lenny enjoys this excursion into kid zombies!

    Angela :
    I thought you might like this zombie tale!

    Now, if my head would quit spinning, I would be happy!! Roland

  6. You may have scared kids off playgrounds forever with that piece, Roland.

  7. I love these kid zombies!

    Do hope you feel better, and cooler V soon.

  8. (= Cute passage!

    I'm so sorry about the yucky heat!I hate that!
    Stay cool if you can... hang out at a bookstore or coffee shop with a comfy couch. (;


    You poor guy. NO AC in the south .... Now that's a living hell. When I lived in Florida I dreaded when that happened and it always happened on the hottest days of the year.

    Stay cool Roland.

    I love this. I read it months ago .... too cool. Pardon the pun.

  10. Way cool story, lots of fun. Well done!

    I'm sooooooo sorry about the A/C. We got ours last Friday. The official temps were the mid 90's, but we saw 103 to 105 on our porches. We were miserable, so I know you must be. I'm glad you have a place to go, even without internet. And 2 whole days off?!!!!! Wow!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!!!!

    Your assignment on your off time - get well!

  11. Hi Roland .. hope things have cooled off a little - or you're in an airier place .. hot hot is terrible and too draining ...

    I'm sure Lenny with love your zombies and he can create so many ideas from this or spin off his own little extras .. great 'fun' ..

    Cheers and have a good weekend .. Hilary