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Sunday, October 19, 2014

11 REASONS YOU SHOULD QUIT WRITING_Victor Standish




"A blank piece of paper is God’s way of telling us how hard it to be God."
   - Victor Standish

Roland's zoned out asleep.  So I thought I'd write this post for him.

When nutcases aren't trying to kill me, I surf the net and sometimes I read your blogs.  And while I don't feel your pain, I do sense it in many of your posts.

You want to quit writing, don't you?  No fibbing.  I read not only between the lines of your blogs but under them, too.

I'll make it easier for you:

I'll give you 11 reasons why you should
STOP WRITING!

1.) The septic tank of self-publishing.

        a.) Yeah, in the septic tank of self-publishing, the
              biggest chunks rise to the top.
       
b.) Discoverability on the Internet sucks.
       
c.) Trying to find the secret of standing out is like
              pulling teeth out of roosters: by the time
              you find there aren't any -- you're all cut up!

2.) You believe editing compromises your authenticity.
         a.) Because only the unhampered, unrefined,
              half-drunk and totally transcended
              creative word-barf you spray on the wall is true art.
         
b.) And as everyone knows: no one wants to read art anymore!

3.) The bookpocalypse is upon us.

        a.) Walk into any B & N or BOOKSaMILLION. 
       
b.) All they sell anymore is coffee and board games, except in the back
where you will find three zillion dog-eared copies of  50 SHADES OF  GREY and 72 copies of the latest issue of MAXIM.

4.) You think grammar rules is for wussies.

        Your sertain its only a matter of time til someone
        seas you’re genius 4 real and then its on and all them
teachers can go suck a broom for all you care cuz you gonna be rich and famous and totally kick ass wit the book you writed.

5.)  Your cat keeps burying your manuscript in her kitty litter box.

        a.) This is just between us, now. Your book's not that good, is it?
       
b.) Lots of spelling errors. Commas breeding like lice in the scalp that is Roland's cooking.
       
c.) All the structure of an up-ended box of Scrabble letters.
       
 d.) The last time an agent looked at your work, she sent it back wrapped around a hand grenade.

6.) You’ve stopped reading books in the eighth grade, because they tarnish your style.

        a.) Like Grandma Moses or Alley Oop, you are an artist in the primitive, unvarnished mold.
       
b.) Every word you read stains your original style with the Philistine brush ...
except for THE NATIONAL INQUIRER which keeps you in touch with reality.

7.) It’s really HARD.

        a.) Writing? It’s hard.
       
b.) It’s like, you have to sit there? And you have to make stuff up? For a living?
       
 c.) And there’s all this… typing involved.

8.)  You suffer from writer’s block 364 days a year.

        a.) Your muse isn't a muse.  She's a hermit.
       
b.) You suffer from imagination constipation, and they don't sell prose laxative at Wal-Mart.

9.) Writing ain't writing no more.

        a.) The title “writer” is the sorriest description of the job I’ve ever heard.
        b.) Total. False. Advertising.
        c.) Man, writers have to like… edit, blog, market, learn good business practices,
engage in public speaking, train on computer repair, and actually be like ... pleasant on social media.
        d.) Total, major bummer.

10.) Ah, where did my toes go?

        a.) Writing is a sedentary activity. You sit on your butt all day.
        b.) Jabba the Hut is sending you love letters.
        c.) The only parts that move are your darting eyes as they follow the cursor and your fingers as they piston-pound out text.
        d.) Your cat thinks you've become Darth Vadar the way your over-worked lungs wheeze.

11.) Writing Really Cuts Into Your Internet Time.

        a.) The Internet is like a… delightful hole you fall into, a Wonderland of Facebook and Pinterest and tweets and porn and funny cat pictures.
        b.) Porn? 
"Alice, I wrote no such word.  Ah, that word IS porn, isn't it?  Ah, Alice, no getting blood on Roland's laptop!  Alice!"

    

7 comments:

  1. Pat Hatt's cat keeps burying Mini-Alex in his litter box - is that the same?

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  2. Alex:
    LOL. Lucky Mini-Alex is a ninja!

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  3. My cat has been burying my brain in his litter box. He wakes me at about 4a every morning by sitting on my face. He needs to find a girlfriend that has her own never-ending food bowl.

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  4. I really enjoyed these, especially the part about the agent and the hand grenade.

    Seriously, are there that many writers out there who can't be bothered with grammar, editing, structure and so on? Maybe I only visit the better blogs, but I'm impressed with some of the talent, including yours.

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  5. Hmmmm...now that I think about it, there's been new paper covered the bottom of Hawk's cage (our shy cocokatiel who loves to sound like a car alarm).

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  6. Donna:
    They have self-feeding cat food pans. But then there is always over-eating!!

    Helena:
    Can you believe that John Steinbeck had trouble with spelling and some grammar? He let the proof-reader bother about it.

    Yet, he worked as a journalist, too. Strange, huh?

    Angela:
    Who knew that Hawk was a literary critic, right?! :-)

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  7. I suppose I should know who that is in the video, but I don't. He's right about reading. One must allow time to read good books because we learn from the masters.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete