So you can read my books

Sunday, April 22, 2012

T is for Toomey_Call Me Tombs

Between Toomey and Starks, they found me at the crossroads.

If you’re Lakota like me, you know that makes me cursed. The orphanage named me Toomey Starks. Call me Tombs.

Please not Toomer. Makes me sound like an unsightly growth.

Behind me, Puppy chuffs at my expense. It is not the first time. And yes, he is the curse.

But he makes for great support as I lean against his broad back and soak in the warm rays on the beach.

Puppy is somewhat larger than a Shetland Pony and only slightly smaller than a Sherman tank.

And he smells like Hell.


Puppy chuffs his “What did you expect of a Hellhound?” chuff.

The morning air tastes of salt. The seagull glides gracefully above me. The wind tickles my scalp as it ruffles my hair. The seagull spots Puppy.

CAAAW! Splat! On my forehead!

Seagull shit is warm, gooey, smelly, thick, and damn hard to scoop off.

Puppy chuffs “Good Shot” to the seagull as its wings blur in its frenzied effort to go into warp speed.

Puppy could turn a wet dream of Megan Fox into a nightmare.

I perk up. Speaking of Megan Fox, two honey bunnies, wearing smiles, suntan lotion, and not much else are slowly swaying my way. I hear them laugh emptily to each other in Clueless-ese.

Blather. Calories. Wastopaneer. Blather. Synatec Tacise Diet. Blather.

I don’t mind. It’s not their intellects I’m interested in. Puppy chuffs “Big Surprise There”.

He turns to smile wide at them. They shriek and fall limp to the sands. I look for pulses. None. I glare at Puppy.

“I don’t mind you scaring beautiful girls half to death. I can comfort those. But did you have to scare these two TO DEATH?”

Puppy chuffs “Hellhounds don’t do sandcastles.”



  1. Puppy, here.

    Man -- yes I use the name of your race as an obscenity, humans!

    Man, typing using only my nose is damn tough. Yes, I used that word on purpose.

    I demanded equal time from Roland.

    He said yes.

    Would you tell a Hellhound NO?

    Didn't think so.

    Just typing to let you know that I am the true hero of CALL ME TOMBS.

    Oh, and my part in BEST OF ENEMIES is the best part, too!

  2. Really liked the ending of Call Me Tombs. Now I actually use the word chuffs and no one knows what I mean.

  3. I like puppy, he sounds like fun :-)

  4. Puppy:
    See? You already have one fan in Stephanine. Soon you'll have your own fan club with buttons and everything!

    I stole "chuff" from Dean Koontz all of whose dog heroes chuff! I'm glad you liked the ending of CALL ME TOMBS. Nothing like Hellhound humor!

    Puppy thanks you. And he is fun, ah, well, actually he HAS fun! LOL.

  5. Your link to Amazon didn't work for me. I had to search it from Amazon, but now it's in my Kindle!

    I use "chuffs" too. I'm not sure where I got it, but Koontz is a good bet.

    Dog POV is awesome! I tell my kids that we (humans) don't fully appreciate a dog's sense of smell. I tell them: If it were sight, then we humans could see one foot, and a dog could see two miles (that's ~10kft).

    And yet we humans think we have a sense of smell. A dog would chuff at such a thought. We are smelltards with no olfactory sense, and have no idea what the world smells like.

    And yet and yet smell is still one of the most empowering of the senses. Imagine how much more so it is for a dog at 10x a human's sensation.

    No, we don't appreciate a dog's sense of smell one little bit.


    - Eric

  6. Toomey/Starks exit off I-10. I knew the name sounded familiar. I think that's like exit #4, and we used to take that exit to go to Longhorn Club when I was in high-school and college, back when the drinking age went up to 21 -- except LA, where it was still 18!

    Now I get the name.

    - Eric

  7. Tombs need a new wingman(dog) if he's going to score on the beach. Dachshunds are babe magnets.

  8. A great light post Roland. I love 'chuffs'. Great word. Hello Puppy!


  9. Eric:
    Thanks for letting me know about the link to CALL ME TOMBS. But I am still at work and can't change very much on my blog from here.

    Toomey does get the girl in CALL ME TOMBS. Puppy also attracts another girl (with her own Hellhound yet) in BEST OF ENEMIES!

    I have always thought Toomey Starks would be a great name for a child found at the crossroads of that exit!

    You're right: small dogs are a better magnet for beauty on the beach. Still, Puppy gets him a beauty with her own hellhound in BEST OF ENEMIES as I told Eric!

    A little humor for a change. And the entire novella, CLL ME TOMBS, is lighthearted. Puppy sends a happy chuff your way!! Roland


  10. Tombs is a way cool name. Toomer? I'm thinking of that line from Kindergarten Cop when Arnold has a headache and a kindergartner says "Maybe it's a brain tumor" and he barks, "It is NOT a toooomer."

    "Puppy could turn a wet dream of Megan Fox into a nightmare."

    Great line!