So you can read my books

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


{"You do not how right you have things

until you handle them all wrong."

- Mark Twain.}

I was ruminating on life's follies when it came to me how much help those terrible horror movies Roland watches truly are.

Why there are some golden lessons to be found in those flickering frames,

especially for you folks not blessed to be ghosts like myself :

1) When it appears that you have killed the monster, ALWAYS get the loud-mouthed neighbor to check to see if it's really dead.

The bliss of silence in the neighborhood will be your reward.

2) Even if it seems to be the funniest thing in all creation, never read a book of demon summoning aloud. Your mother-in-law is demon enough, thank you.

3) When the power goes out, gals in flimsy undies will ALWAYS take a fancy to search the basement -- and they NEVER change their flashlight batteries.

4) If your young 'uns suddenly start to speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately.

It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. For such eventualities,

ALWAYS buy automatic handguns, since it will probably take several rounds to kill them. A loving parent is a sure-kill parent.

This also applies to any tiny waifs who suddenly start to speak as if they have been gargling with lye. They are either possessed or have been raiding Father's liquor cabinet.

Either way they deserve what they get.

5) As a general rule of thumb, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6) If appliances start operating by themselves, send your spouse to check for short-circuits, then get the hell out of the house.

Ignore the subsequent screaming -- or enjoy it, depending upon just how "sweet" your bitter half has been to you lately.

7) If you are offered a "steal of a deal" on a house that has been

a) built on the site of an Injun massacre,

b) the home of a family whose members had taken to dismembering one another, or

c) been an asylum whose inmates took to munching on the help --

take the real estate agent lovingly, kindly and gently by the arm --

and shove her into the basement, locking it behind you. Unnatural beasties get hungry. And better they make human jerky out of her than you.

Don't mind about the body. It won't be there when the police arrive. The police won't be around long either -- if they stay.


  1. LOL, this was fun- I think number 2 is my favorite...I'd add "never say I'll be right back because you wont" lol

  2. Arr harsh but true - when those young'uns start gabbing in tongues kill'em quick! ;p

  3. LOL Those are great!
    And don't forget the "Double-Tap." "Cario" is important, too.

  4. LOL! I think I laughed the most at No. 5.

  5. Funny! Liked the point about the real estate agent in particular!

  6. the kitten and puppy

  7. So funny! Love the Poppins video. And now I'm a little afraid of my children b/c they keep asking to look up latin phrases online (they say they're making new Harry Potter spells. ha! right. now i've got their #).

  8. If cats are repeatedly hissing at you. You're a werewolf. Don't fight it. Strip down, let the fur grow, spread some Nair. Rinse and repeat.

  9. LOL!!! OMG, Roland, I laughed 'til I cried. I want to reproduce this in calligraphy for our media room wall: Life Tips I Learned From Those Danged Horror Films by Mark Twain as channeled by Roland D. Yeomans.

  10. I just wet pants! LOL... Yeah, whats up with those girls in their undies, do they keep their brain in their pants pocket?

    This was great fun. The picture was adorable :D
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  11. Haha!!!!I love your sense of humor. Hilarious:D

    And Scary Mary - too funny. Thanks for a great laugh!

  12. This was an awesome post, Roland, probably because I love horror movies!

    This was an entertaining read and I got to say that number two has to be my favorite one. Why do they always have to read books that release demons aloud? It's a question we shall never get the answer to, but anyway, write on!

  13. This was super funny! I especially like the 'sure-kill' parents and 'munching on the help'. A great change up.

    I've always read and heard that it's easy to make viewers and readers cry and that it takes real talent to make them laugh. You got some real talent!

    Love the kitty/puppy photo, btw!

  14. Other lessons to be learned:

    l. Run when you hear the scary music.

    2. Do not swim in the ocean at night.

    3. Do not walk in alleys in New Orleans.

    4. Don't wear red at a Star Trek convention. Don't go to Star Trek conventions.

    5. Carry two guns, even in the shower.

    6. The comic relief (me) gets killed first.


  15. ...gals in flimsy undies headed to the basement armed with dim lighting is what baits the average teenage fellow into the theaters in droves, (for instance, my son:)

  16. Elliot : Mark, sly ghost that he is, is drawn to those basements for the same reason.

    Shannon : Wasn't that trailer funny?

    Walter : Wouldn't it be nice if life had its own soundtrack that would warn us with foreboding music?

    Words Crafter : Thanks for the high praise. It means a lot. I chuckled at myself with the "Sure Kill Parents" line. I'm so lucky I amuse myself.

    Vatche : I'm a real fan of certain horror movies. They have to have a hero or heroine in them. Have you seen THE CRAZIES? A really good horror film.

    Terry : I've watched the SCARY MARY trailer over and over again and chuckled each time. Glad I made you laugh.

    Jules : I'm happy I made you laugh so. Mark Twain's ghost blows out the flashlights of those skimpily clad gals just to hear them screAm.

  17. VR : I'd be proud and flattered if you reproduced this in calligraphy for your media room wall: Life Tips I Learned From Those Danged Horror Films by Mark Twain as channeled by Roland D. Yeomans. Thanks for thinking of doing it.

    Elena : I'm not a werewolf, more like scared-y cat! I'm glad you liked my post.

    Demery : I'm sure your kids are all right. But if their heads start to spin and they spit out pea soup -- all bets are off!

    Letters : Wasn't that kitten/puppy photo great? Thanks for dropping by and commenting.

    Slushpile : #3 is why the ghost of Mark Twain watches those horror movies with me!

    Ann : Yes, I've always thought the real estate agents who sell these dubious houses knowingly deserve a little karmatic justice!

    Golden Eagle : Yeah, those puzzle boxes are no fun at all!

    Diane : So you liked ZOMBIELAND, too? Gotta love the cardio and the double-tap rules.

    Nicole : You bet. Those evil-eyed kids speaking deep and in Latin always creep me out.

    Jo : Great to have you back. And scary movies are great on weekend nights with popcorn and the lights turned off.

    Summer : Only Arnold can get away with saying "I'll be back" and get away with it!