So you can read my books

Friday, October 17, 2014


Ghost of Mark Twain here ...

Being an outsider of sorts now, I am nearly 99% convinced that Man is an experiment hardly worth having done.

But those horror movies Roland watches have taught me a few things about you living:

1) You are likely to survive any zombie apocalypse ... 

unless you are thick-headed enough to show someone a picture of your sweetheart waiting for you back home.

2) An addendum to the above rule: any police officer days from retirement is soon to be zombie-kibble.

3) If you find yourself on the run from a ravenous monster and are slowed down by wife, child, or friend --


You can always re-marry, sire more offspring, 
make new friends!

4) A woman alone in the house will go out and check a sudden noise in her most revealing undies.  

I have proved that many a time by stepping on a creaking board in dorm house after dorm house!

5) Never look in a bathroom mirror, duck your head for some damn fool reason, then rise and look back again.  Just let your face stay soapy!!
6) While on the subject of "damn fool" ... any gal or fella who suggests to split up or take the shortcut through the woods ... promptly shoot in the leg and leave for the monster to gnaw on.

Monsters tend to run slower on a full stomach, don't you know?

7) Do not be grabby!  

You see an ancient book bound in human flesh in the attic of the house you just bought?  Tippy-toe the Hades out of there and set a match to the place!

8) Before entering a creepy building ... GREASE THOSE ANKLES!

9) Should ever your young'en's start to talk in Latin in voices like they just raided the liquor cabinet.  Smile appreciatively, nod, pull your scatter gun, and let fly.

A caring parent is the first shot kills parent, don't you know?

10) Never have sex while in a crisis.  

When monsters are about, it is always a good idea to keep your clothes on ... especially your running shoes!

11) When traveling, only take sponge baths!!

12) If you ever inherit a strange-faced doll, and it starts talking to you -- give it to the nosy neighbor next door.  You never did care for her anyway!

13) And if you think I am giving you a 13th lesson, then you haven't been watching enough horror movies!

Oh, all right: 
Never look in the backseat!

Oh, and Pleasant Dreams!


  1. I love these! Especially 6 and 12.

    You've touched on what really bugs me about not-so-good horror flicks, which is the illogical actions of the protagonists. When they're especially dumb ass I'm almost glad the monsters get them.

  2. Helena:
    Like you, when a badly written script forces the characters to do illogical, stupid actions, I get fed up with the movie.

    I remember one movie I watched with a Halloween party where the killer used the different basic natures of his victims to lure them into death traps. It was a unique take. It helped that each of the victims was a vicious soul under a handsome/pretty face.

    I started to root for the killer. :-)

  3. Good thing I'm reading this in the morning! I love the ankle advice, never would have thought of it.

  4. Tony Perkins is a great finale! Psycho thrillers were my favorite horror movies, but they still give me bad dreams. You'll see what I mean with my WEP stories which concern a certain house.