So you can read my books

Thursday, March 26, 2015


Ghost of Mark Twain here ...

I'm here to spell poor Roland.  

Work has worn the man down to a frazzle.  

Right now, he's a'writing that there talk he's supposed to dazzle the masses with on how to write fantasy of all things.

He's giving it next month at what they call a convention, though no one gets elected to public office at it. 

Strange goings-on if you ask me.

I kept the boy company during the last convention, though only he could see me.

Why there was a gal all decked out in not much of anything at all in what she cooed was a Steampunk outfit.

The only thing Steam about it was how it would have made my glasses steam up had I been wearing any.

She was bending poor Roland's ear 

on how the Germans (those rascals could conjure up the most blamed evil stuff on earth)

invented the flamethrower, calling it the tongue-killing term Flammenwerfer in 1901.

They'd done it just in time for the 20th Century's demand for horrible, skin-melting weapons.

Roland all polite-like told her of how the Ancient Greeks in the 7th Century invented Greek Fire

and to spout it out on land created an artillery weapon 

that fired a stream of flames that could not be put out by water.

The gal must have thought Roland's head was on fire 'cause she dumped a glass of tea on the poor boy's head!

I have TOLD him over and over again that most folks prefer their ignorance over another man's knowledge!

Why take the door knob.  

I bet you think it has been around for centuries.  Not so.  They t'weren't invented until 1878. 

I should know.  I was alive in B.D. (Before Doorknobs)


In my day, folks never went about asking, "What time is it?"

You see, there t'weren't no single time.  

More like you'd be asked, "What time do you have?"

Watches were used like egg timers.

They gave you a sense of when you had to be at your duel and how long a'fore they suspected you had ridden hard out of town.

Why, America didn't agree on a single, universal time until the strict railway schedules forced them to.


I bet you think he invented the lightbulb, don't you, pilgrims?



know me and Nikola Tesla were friends.

There are 2 kinds of electricity:

Direct Current (DC) and Alternating Current (AC).  

DC would have folks build a power plant on every blasted block.  

AC lets the current flow over a long distance.

Old Nikola invented AC.  

Edison invented the crappy other one.  

But Edison launched a vicious smear campaign so successful 

that it t'weren't til the 1960's that AC totally replaced DC!


Edison personally electrocuted a chained elephant to death in a rigged "experiment.  Don't believe it?

Search in that strange-named YouTube for "Topsy the elephant!"

But he invented the light bulb you cry.

First time he stole it was when

  he refused to buy it from its actual inventor, Henirich Gobel, saying he saw no merit in it!

Then he bought the idea at a bargain rate from the man's widow the moment the man died!!

The Second time he stole it was from his business partner, Joseph Wilson Swan.

Now, Swan had done what old Eddy couldn't ---

actually come up with a reliable, working bulb.

So that old scoundrel "partnered" with Swan who promptly was over-shadowed by old Eddy's crowing.


Imagine aliens visit our planet long after we've taken a radioactive blow torch to it.  

They walk through the ruins of a shopping center ... mall you call it.

And the outrageously high prices they ask you to pay, it should be called a Maul!

Well, those aliens would look at those naked white mannequins and think they was our form of art!

Those ancient Greek statues when blush with youth 

were painted in hot pinks, yellers, bright reds, and nearly every other color they had access to.

All areas of exposed skin was carefully colored to exactly match flesh tones.

Sort of creeps you out, don't it?  It gets even worse:

They colored in the pupils of each statue, making each hero look as if Old Wild Bill drilled them!


Thinking they always looked like massive sandstone bricks is like thinking giant dinosaur bones roamed prehistoric times!

Centuries of sandstones and cheap pharaohs stealing the top layers have made them look like that.

When the warranty was new on those monstrosities, 

they were gleaming white limestone with the very tops being capped with solid gold.

They looked as if they were one giant triangle of solid limestone and polished until the sun and full moon struck strange fires from them.


Why that is what you folks think
is hard facts these days!

I bet some of you out there know some strange facts your ownselves.

Fill the rest of us in, why don't you?


  1. I'm not surprised that Edison stole the light bulb, but I didn't know any of these details. A few weeks ago there was a bio of him on PBS, and he certainly came across as ruthlessly ambitious and greedy, but he was lionized in his time. Unfair.

    And did that girl really pour an ice tea on your head?

  2. Helena:
    You know Mark Twain -- when did the facts get in the way of spinning a good yarn about me?! :-) Edison stepped on many to achieve his fame -- using violence was not beyond him.

    In my alternate history, I have Sam and Meilori tweak his nose a time or two. :-) One of the perks of writing your own history!!

  3. You'll probably be famous after your convention appearance - just spin your charm. Is it a panel you are on and which convention? If it's classified, I'll understand.
    Best wishes for you to succeed and gain many new fans.

  4. Hi Roland .. I'm just glad you confirm the railway time thing - as I mentioned it yesterday ... love the way you tell us facts and some fiction .. a good mix ... I'm sure alternative histories abound for Hilary somewhere!! I'll meet you at the Crossroads to chat sometime .. in the meantime enjoy your Convention it'll be fun ... I went to a talk on Dante's Divine Comedy ... so well done .. a tale along a spiral path with lots of jokes along the way .. cheers Hilary

  5. He didn't steal it, he had an idea that wasn't really his... really the invention was to see that steampunk girl in a better light. Mark Twain is very insightful as he shares the discoverers... thank you.

  6. So, it was aliens who built the pyramids. I keep looking for the floating Eye of Providence, but it must blink every time I look at it. ;-)

  7. D.G.:
    They call it a panel, but it is just me and questions from the audience, Still, I have not heard a firm commitment from them since they could get another Sci Fi starlet to come at the last minute!

    I hope to entertain at least! It's called CyPhaCon by the way. Thanks for wishing me luck. :-)

    Sorry that I haven't made it by to read your post. Work and preparation for the con is leeching my time! Yes, meet you at the Crossroads! :-)

    LOL. Old Mark still is fuming about Edison's treatment of Tesla and others.

    According to my novels aliens built those pyramids at least! :-) I think that floating Eye of Providence over the dollar's pyramid has sunk along with the value of our dollar!!

  8. I always knew Edison was a thief.
    Before Doorknobs - funny!

  9. Have a great time at the convention.
    Such an entertaining post!

  10. Alex:
    Leave it to Mark Twain to make history fun!

    That's very nice of you to say. If they let me speak, I will write a post or two of my experiences. :-) The ghost of Mark Twain may even weigh in on the proceedings!