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Sunday, December 12, 2010

QUERY LETTER BLOGFEST_THE LEGEND OF VICTOR STANDISH

Here is a link to the post by Jordan Tohline, derived from answers from 50 agents on his email asking for the common and fatal mistake made in our queries :

http://www.jmtohline.com/2010/12/biggest-mistakes-writers-make-when.html

{Scroll down for Ellie's CHRISTMAS TALE BLOGFEST ENTRY}


Victor Standish seems to be getting into trouble everywhere lately.

So it's no surprise that he boldly walks in where novice authors fear to tread :

the dreaded query letter :

http://jodilhenry.blogspot.com/2010/12/query-letter-blogfest-entry-w-mr-linky.html

Dear Ms. Boggs :

There are strange tales told by the panhandlers and vagrants of the French Quarter when the midnight hour tolls. The hours fade one into another as the shadows creep ever closer. They are hungry these shadows. And the tales are told, not for amusement, but to keep weary eyes from closing lest they never open again.

One such tale is the legend of one like them ... thirteen year old Victor Standish.

Did he ever truly exist? Did he find danger and love in the surreal week prior to the madness that was Hurricane Katrina? Is there really such a thing as the supernatural Crossroads of Worlds, the infamous jazz club, Meilori's?

Many swear they saw him taken under the wing of the club's owner, Samuel McCord, the Texas Ranger with the blood of Death in his veins.

Still others vow that even that very night, they have seen Victor stroll under moonlit skies with his ghoul friend, Alice Wentworth. She who half-died when Victoria was still a princess. All agree that New Orleans would be a barren graveyard if not for Victor and his ghoul love.

The two lovers, by the very existence of their romance, managed to defuse the war between the American revenant empire governed by Abigail Adams and the Unholy Roman Empire ruled by Theodora. A war that the chaos of Hurricane Katrina would have easily masked.

What are revenants exactly? They are the truth behind the Hollywood myth of vampires. Think Vlad the Impaler but without as many morals.

Defusing that conflict almost killed Victor. The vagrants shiver and look over their shoulders for his Victorian ghoul friend, Alice. To keep from succumbing to her hunger for Victor's flesh, despite her lonely heart's attraction to him, the ghoul may choose theirs instead.

For sometimes Alice walks the night alone.

My YA urban fantasy is much like Patricia Brigg's Mercy Thompson series in that it is the world of the Brothers Grimm brought to life in modern New Orleans when civilization died in the days after Katrina.

Thank you for reading my query. I would be happy to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript of my 64,000 word YA urban fantasy, THE LEGEND OF VICTOR STANDISH.

Roland D. Yeomans M.A.
***



28 comments:

  1. I like this, but I may be a tiny bit biased...I really love that boy :)

    I haven't watched that trailer, but now, I want to see the movie.

    How was your date with Angelina, btw?

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  2. I loved that trailer - it is on my must see list as of now.

    Your letter doesn't follow the set prescribed versions but that might not be a bad thing. The end was strong - maybe switch the order: character - conflict - setting.

    I was intrigued.

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  3. Hey, points for bravery for posting your dreaded query for all the world to see. It certainly has a voice and a flavor that will let the agent know about the story as well as your writing skills!

    One comment is that altho the opening is lyrical, it doesn't contain the hook of the story. I kinda feel like Victor should be bumped up to star in the first paragraph, since the book is about him (well, I assume it is). I like the ghoul love/romance, btw, especially after reading your excerpt post recently.

    I'm sorta thinking this query might be a tad long (376 words), that there are details here that stray from the tease/hook/bare bones of getting an agent's initial attention. To me, the main conflict of the story got a little lost in the intriguing descriptions. I think that's what Elaine is saying, above. Character/hook first, and what the conflict is. Agents are busy people and often skim!

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  4. Hi,

    I'm keeping my mouth shut on this because I think Victor Standish is great so anything I say would be biased in favour!

    In any case, what in hell do I know about querying to lit agents and subbing to publishers . . . [?] ;)

    best
    F

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  5. This sounds intriguing.

    I did find it kinda hard to read. The flowery language may be a tad much if agents are going through a billion queries a week, or so i've heard. It's different. I'm not much help I know. Sorry. I think this may be over my head. LOL. Good luck!

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  6. Roland,

    Your writing is beautiful, as always, but I tend to agree with the above. We loose Vicotr with all the beginning prose and rehtorical questions.

    If I may suggest a switch-a-roo and a parring down, something like:

    There are strange tales told by the panhandlers and vagrants of the French Quarter when the hours fade one into another and the shadows creep closer. The shadows are hungry and the tales are old. They are not told for amusement, but to keep weary eyes from closing lest they never open again.

    Many swear they saw thirteen year old Victor Standish taken under the wing of Samuel McCord—owner of Meilori’s an infamous jazz club and the supernatural Crossroads of Worlds.

    Others vow they have seen Victor stroll under moonlit skies with his ghoul love, Alice Wentworth. But all agree New Orleans would be a barren graveyard if not for Victor and his love.

    The two lovers, by the very existence of their romance, manage to defuse the war between the American revenant—vampires with less morals—empire governed by Abigail Adams and the Unholy Roman Empire ruled by Theodora. A war which the chaos of Hurricane Katrina would have easily masked.

    Defusing the conflict almost kills Victor and leaves him a tempting morsel for his goul love. To keep from succumbing to her hunger for Victor's flesh, she may choose to dine on their enemy's instead.

    Because sometimes, Alice walks the streets alone.

    Did Victor ever exist? Did he find danger and love on the streets of the French Quarter? Is there really such a thing as the supernatural Crossroads of Worlds at the infamous jazz club, Meilori's?

    No one knows for sure, but every legend springs from truth.

    My 64,000-word YA urban fantasy novel, THE LEGEND OF VICTOR STANDISH, is much like Patricia Brigg's Mercy Thompson series in that it is the world of the Brothers Grimm brought to life in modern New Orleans when civilization died in the days after Katrina.

    Thank you for reading my query.


    (301 words from open to close)

    J

    ReplyDelete
  7. A different approach, but as usual you're voice is very strong. The query was a little bit on the long side and I'll even admit I skimmed but I'm sorta tired from not sleeping enough right now. I think the voice that you manage to put into the query is what I like the most about it and hope that even if you do make some changes you are able to keep that factor.

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  8. Dawn : Sometimes you can get too close to your work, even queries. You have a point.

    Jodi : I like your version of my query much better. You should sell your crit services. You are very good.

    E. : You have valid points which I would be foolish to ignore. Thanks for caring enough to help me.

    Francine : You know a great deal as your writing shows. I hope good news is in the near future for you.

    Carol : I hear you. Odd thing is that the query that won me a request for a full was even longer and just as lyrical. Query writing is so subjective. We throw our cyber messages in bottles labeled "queries" and hope we connect.

    Elaine : Jodi was of the same mind as you and wrote what I felt was a stronger query. See? Together we are stronger than alone. Thanks.

    Word Crafter : Can you believe it? My date with Angelina was boring! Who would have thought? The ingredients were all there -- except that Johnny Depp slept-walked through his role. Oh, and Victor loves you, too.

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  9. Hey Roland - I gotta agree with everyone else that this is too long, and it doesn't have a focus on Victor. I also have no clue what the book is about. What's unfortunate about the query is that it needs voice, but it can't be a narrative. It has to be concise and direct.

    The good thing: despite its length and narrative style, the book still sounds cool. I just need more definitive information.

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  10. Elena : All good points. We have to not overburdern the agent's weary eyes. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I guess that agent who asked a partial from me out of this query overlooked the flaws and thought, like you, that the book sounded cool. Thanks again.

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  11. Beautiful prose; and so different from the usual run of the mill query letter. The voice and setting is clear, and the characters engaging. The general plot is there too.

    I agree I like Jodi's rewrite. It is still uniquely yours, using your prose, but more concise.

    I am pleased it got you a partial request Roland. Must have done something right with it :)

    .......dhole

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  12. I love your writing and I love love love this premise. With that said, I completely like Jodi's version. The questions (which agents hate) are gone and the word count is lowered. I think you have a winner now. Well done!!! :D

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  13. I would like to see the stakes emphasized more and I think it's a tad long (even with Jodi's condensed version) but the writing is beautiful and it sounds really interesting!

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  14. Donna : Thanks. Sometimes I feel like Victor. He may go at things all wrong, but somehow he squeaks a win out of things. But I will in the future use Jodi's re-write.

    Brenda : Yes, like you and Donna, I like Jodi's version much better. That you love my premise makes my evening. Keep your fingers crossed on that partial.

    WritersBlockNZ : Yes, it'a a tad long. But the request for a full came from a query that was much longer. Luck favors those who try to be different sometimes. Thanks for liking my storyline.

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  15. Roland you know I love your writing, even if I've been a silent reader for months now. I loved this. It read like another one of your stories, not a query letter.

    I'm torn. It could be a nice change for an agent, and it does let them see what you can do with your prose. But, they could just think "gimmick" and walk away because they don't know you.

    If there's a way to keep what you have but pare it down to the MC, conflict and stakes you'll have a winner.

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  16. Charity : Thank you so much for faithfully reading my blog. It means a lot to me. I will use Jodi's version of my query next time. An agent asked for a month exclusive on this book from another version of this query. I had to tell the agent who wanted a partial of that month's wait. I really hated doing that, but she replied that should I still be at liberty after a month, she still wanted to see my partial.

    Whew! I squeaked by that one just like Victor Standish. The little gypsy seems to be a winner.

    Thanks again, Charity. Roland

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  17. There isn't a whole lot I can say that others haven't already. It sounds like it could be an intriguing idea, but I'm getting the gist you're most definitely a literary writer as opposed to flat out commercial. So I'm not sure how to make suggestions. If your prose is the most important aspect of your writing then it should definitely flow in the query letter and you've done that beautifully.

    It is a bit long though, and I do find myself getting a little lost on what exactly the story is about from time to time.

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  18. Eliza : Thanks. Don't be a stranger.

    Tracy : A little shaping up is something we all need to do with our queries. Thanks. Glad you like my style. There is one school of thought that many agents are looking for fiction that is a meld of literary and commercial. I wish you luck in your own publication dreams. Roland

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  19. So this is outside the query formula. I don't know if it will work (by standing out with such lyrical prose you may attract agents) or not. I also don't know how to critique it.

    I'd watch the use of Victoria, as it's so close to Victor I got confused.

    I'd also watch the repetition of Alice as a ghoul, which you tell me 3 times if my counting serves correctly. Once is enough.

    Otherwise, I don't know what else to crit. I'd be curious to know your responses on this query because it is so unique. Your vivid descriptions and lush writing style are definitely showcased. I have no idea what the conflict of this novel is, but maybe the voice and characters will be enough, as you have that in spades.

    Best of luck and I hope this helps you!

    Scribbler to Scribe

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  20. You just broke every single rule I've ever learned about writing queries and I LOVE IT. Great job. I hope the book gets published so I can read it. The only real problem I had was the center section. You can get lost in the language and not have any idea what is happening in the story. Hope that helps.

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  21. Hello! Thank you for coming by and commenting on my query. Great advice and very sweet.

    When I was reading your query I wasn't certain it was YA until I got to the end and you said so. I think it was the lyricism you put into it.

    Although writing lyrically is beautiful and can be quite entertaining, it is slowing down your query. I would hate for an agent to skip over important parts.

    The query is selling your premise and the pages are selling your writing style. Make sure your premise is direct and stands out.

    The vampires make this book feel more paranormal than urban fantasy.

    Good luck!

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  22. I read Jodi's version and I can't really offer anything else. I love her version. This sounds like a fantastic story, and I wish you the best of luck with it! :)

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  23. Hello my friend. I am so biased it isn't funny. You know how I feel about your writing. How could anyone crit the master. Well, Jodi could, and did. Her version was great. I was concerned when I saw the questions too. I know agents hate questions.

    So with that said. i have to agree that Victor should be front and center. I love the little guy.

    You prose as always is magnificent. I am so glad you have agents starting to clamor for you.... YAH!

    Up to seven weeks of magic still available.

    Michael

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  24. Hi Roland

    I really laughed when I saw this ... is this the same Roland whose favourite advice is "make it snappy - TV guide style"!! But you know, it works!

    I am curious, is this lyrical prose indicative of your style in your book. I assume so. It is (as far as I know) unusual for a YA novel. From what you say it has not stopped agents being interested, which I find a hopeful sign that literature is not being relentlessly dumbed down for each generation!

    I struggled to know what was part of the story of your novel, what was background information and what was just atmosphere.

    PS Now I understand your HP blogfest entry!

    PPS Thanks for your comment on my entry - I have completely revised it now

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  25. Here is a link to a post compiled by Jordan Tohline, derived from responses from 50 agents on the most common and fatal mistakes made by authors in queries :

    http://www.jmtohline.com/2010/12/biggest-mistakes-writers-make-when.html

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sorry for popping by late. As usual, I'm blown away by your lyrical prose! However, at the risk of echoing past comments, it runs a little long, and the bare-bones of the story may have been lost in the narrative. Consider a weary agent who has to mentally compute all this!

    I love Jodi's re-write, but will add that our main man is Victor and his ghoulfriend Alice. Mentioning other names may get a bit confusing.

    So here is a rough suggested re-write of Jodi's reqrite. Feel free to take it or leave it:

    "There are strange tales told by the panhandlers and vagrants of the French Quarter when the shadows creep closer. They are not told for amusement, but to keep weary eyes from closing lest they never open again.

    Many swear they saw thirteen year old Victor Standish taken under the wing of Meilori’s, an infamous jazz club--and the supernatural Crossroads of Worlds.

    Others vow to have seen Victor stroll under moonlit skies with his ghoul love, Alice Wentworth. The very existence of their romance defuses the war between the American revenants—think vampires with fewer morals—and the Unholy Roman Empire. A war which the chaos of Hurricane Katrina would have easily masked.

    Defusing the conflict almost kills Victor. To keep from succumbing to her hunger for Victor's flesh, Alice sometimes walks the streets alone, dining on the inhabitants of New Orleans.

    Did Victor ever exist? Did he find danger and love on the streets of the French Quarter? Is there really such a thing as the supernatural Crossroads of Worlds?

    No one knows for sure, but every legend springs from truth.

    My 64,000-word YA urban fantasy novel, THE LEGEND OF VICTOR STANDISH, is much like Patricia Brigg's Mercy Thompson series: the world of the Brothers Grimm is brought to life in modern New Orleans when civilization died in the days after Katrina.

    Thank you for reading my query."

    Pared down slightly more, hopefully!

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  27. J.C. : Thanks for dropping by. Anytime is all right with me. And thanks even more for the more slim version of my query. Thin is most definitely in when it comes to queries. Have a great end of week. Roland

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