So you can read my books

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


{"You do not how right you have things

until you handle them all wrong."

- Mark Twain.}

Just a heartbeat ago, I eased into Roland's apartment to swap tall tales when I came upon him dozing in front of his electronic newspaper,

blog he calls it. Sounds like one of those tar pits in California those poor dinosaurs critters got stuck in.

I leaned over his shoulder and read what he wrote.

Why, what was wrong with the boy? His post depressed the beejesus out of me, and I'm dead.

What he needed was a little help from his good friend, the beloved, yet humble, genius of literature ... me

What was needed here was ... I stroked my chin. Of course, what was needed here was ... me.

I would save Roland from his depressing folly.

I started to ruminate on all of life's follies when it came to me how much help those terrible horror movies Roland watches truly are.

Why there are some golden lessons to be found in those flickering frames,

especially for you folks not blessed to be ghosts like myself :

1) When it appears that you have killed the monster, ALWAYS get the loud-mouthed neighbor to check to see if it's really dead.

The bliss of silence in the neighborhood will be your reward.

2) Even if it seems to be the funniest thing in all creation, never read a book of demon summoning aloud. Your mother-in-law is demon enough, thank you.

3) When the power goes out, gals in flimsy undies will ALWAYS take a fancy to search the basement -- and they NEVER change their flashlight batteries.

4) If your young 'uns suddenly start to speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately.

It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. For such eventualities,

ALWAYS buy automatic handguns, since it will probably take several rounds to kill them.

A loving parent is a sure-kill parent.

This also applies to any tiny waifs who suddenly start to speak as if they have been gargling with lye.

They are either possessed or have been raiding Father's liquor cabinet.

Either way they deserve what they get.

5) As a general rule of thumb, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6) If appliances start operating by themselves, send your spouse to check for short-circuits, then get the hell out of the house.

Ignore the subsequent screaming -- or enjoy it, depending upon just how "sweet" your bitter half has been to you lately.

7) If you are offered a "steal of a deal" on a house that has been

a) built on the site of an Injun massacre,

b) the home of a family whose members had taken to dismembering one another, or

c) been an asylum whose inmates took to munching on the help --

take the real estate agent lovingly, kindly and gently by the arm --

and shove her into the basement, locking it behind you. Unnatural beasties get hungry. And better they make human jerky out of her than you.

Don't mind about the body. It won't be there when the police arrive. The police won't be around long either -- if they stay.


  1. I used to watch Mary Poppins when I was little...

  2. Scary Mary is funny. I'm all for sending in the loud mouth.
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

  3. Good advice, Mark Twain! Love "Scary Mary"!

  4. Can always count on Mr. Twain to tell it like it is. ;)

  5. Mr. Twain you are a scream.... Love you advice, especially keeping the automatic hand gun loaded for the kids.... too funny.

    Sccccarry MMMMary..... Love it.


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  8. Roland-
    LOL this was great fun- specially the whole putting the agent in the basement- I laughed at that. Have a great day!

  9. I love the advice about the real-estate agent. That's so totally true, especially after having watched Poltergeist.

  10. Remind me not to try and sell this guy a house! LOL! Though creepy (which I totally love) he sounds very wise. Computers being tarpits, brilliant insight. ;)

  11. Very wise advice, Mark. If more writers would listen to you, there wouldn't be near as many too stupid to live characters out there. Especially in horror, where they often seem to congregate.

  12. Ayuni : I still hear some of the tunes of MARY POPPINS in my head! I'm a big kid.

    Nancy : Yes, Samuel insists the only loudmouth allowed in these parts be him! LOL. May the sales of your book be high this month.

    Debra She Who Seeks : You know, I would watch SCARY MARY! Now, that's frightening. LOL.

    Jayne : Or to tell it as he thinks it is. Uh, oh. I just heard a ghostly, "I heard that!"

    Michael : LOL. Yes, only Mr. Twain would say, "A loving parent is a sure-kill parent."

    Comment Deleted : The ghost of Samuel just said you were a tease, deleting twice in a row like that!

    Summer : Samuel's glad he gave you a laugh to make your morning brighter.

    Michael Ouffit : Yes, that movie was the start of a scary trend, wasn't it?

    Heather : Thankfully, being a ghost now, Samuel Clemens can hang his spectral hat anywhere he wants without rent or rental agents! LOL.

    Samuel was burned by investing in too many failed inventions to be fond of any that worked ... if you can say computers have worked! Roland

  13. VR : Samuel just tipped his spectral hat to you. Yes, doesn't it take away from the suspension of disbelief to write your characters speaking and acting in ways too foolish and suicidal to accept from real people? Have a beautiful day. I hope you enjoy your trip to Santa Fe, the oldest capital in the U.S. ... and hope Hibbs makes a good traveling companion, Roland

  14. Love the list. Gave me a chuckle. Thank you!

  15. E.C. : Mark Twain and I thought everyone needed to start March with a laugh! Thanks, Roland

  16. Loved this! #1 made me laugh out loud. Thanks Roland (er, Mark)

  17. Jennifer : Samuel Clemens just winked his ghostly eye at you. He loves being appreciated. Me, too. LOL.

  18. Roland, is this post a repeat?
    ...looks familiar?

  19. imager Imagined : Partly so. What can I say? Mark Twain was never one to waste his genius. :)

  20. Hilarious Roland/Twain.

    Love number four. Well, love them all, but that one is fab.


  21. 1) When it appears that you have killed the monster, ALWAYS get the loud-mouthed neighbor to check to see if it's really dead.

    Gotta be the best advice ever :)

    Thanks for the fun Mark. These were all superb.


  22. Jodi : Yes, Samuel was especially proud of #4 himself.

    Donna : Especially if you have the kind of loud-mouthed neighbor I have!! Sanuel Clemens doffs his spectral hat to you with a wink. Sly old scoundrel. LOL.

  23. putting the agent in the basment was brillaint, i loved this post, thanks for sharing.

  24. Yes, Dempsey : No real estate agent should ever try to pull the wool over the eyes of Samuel Clemens' ghost! LOL. Glad you liked my post, Roland